I'm not sure if I'm going to continue doing this, but I'll give it a shot today.

I like to spend time over at Sacred Space doing my meditation online. I can get it on my Handspring, as well, so I can do it wherever I go. This is my personal meditation on today's text. I probably won't do this daily...

Matthew 20:20-28
James and John were very human. You can't blame them...they wanted to be sure this was going to be worthwhile. I think any one of us would be asking ourselves the same questions. But what I really love about this passage is what's written between the lines in Jesus' response to the 10's indignance (is that a word?). By saying what He does, it's as if He's implying: "You know, every one of you feel like this. If you didn't, you wouldn't be irritated with James and John...be honest with yourself. You know, the rulers of the Gentiles Lord it over them..."

When we read the Gospels, we love to pass judgment on the disciples' humanness--it somehow allows us to excuse our own human desires. I think that's where the 10 are at here. If they can judge James and John's indiscretion, then it takes the focus off their own.

A thought: if it pushes your buttons, you'd better look in the mirror. Is your indignation righteous or defensive? Hmmm...

This afternoon I ran into some potential parishioners for the "new church." What new church? Well, that is a problem isn't it? I get frustrated trying to explain to people what we are...and aren't. I get even more frustrated trying to explain why nothing is happening. It's apparent to me that there's a real need here...but more and more every day I'm learning that I'm NOT the Messiah. Jesus handles those duties so much better than I. I'd like to bail everybody out of their unhappy church situations...but I just can't.

Al Magnuson, district minister for the Heartland Baptist District put hit the nail right on the head several months ago as we were visiting about this venture. He said that we can't be about used Christians. I've learned that list-keepers are always list-keepers. They don't change...they just start new lists. And those list-keepers...they are the "used" Christians. We don't need those. I tend to make people like that unhappy anyway.

No new insights to lend today. I'm just keeping-on keeping-on.

One more thing: I got a call from my former senior pastor today. It's official: my ties are broken and I'm now 100% a free agent...for what it's worth.

Caio.

Well, this is my first post using my Handspring. Hopefully the portability of this setup will help ensure that I update this blog a little more often. That, and with some hopefully shifting priorities, this will become a primary outlet for me. We'll see.

My foray into the emerging church movement hasn't stopped...but it seems to have changed. I've been pastoring a small church about 35 miles north of here since the end of February. It's a part-time gig, but it's been a welcome change. This church as been pursuing the same paradigm of ministry for about 20 years, and it doesn't seem to be working. What is really needed in this small midwestern town is a church stemming from the emerging church movement. I hate to use labels...but for the sake of the uninitiated...

The town is probably about 80% churched...but that doesn't mean that 80% of the people know Christ. But this situation poses some unique problems for us...namely that fact that no one really wants to explain why their car was at our church on Sunday morning instead of their own. What this requires is a change in paradigm concerning how we relate to the community and how we execute our services. If we can resituate ourselves as a non-threatening family-oriented entity, I think we'll have a chance. We can only hope.

At any rate, as for the Gateway, things are on hold for now. We may look at moving toward a worship-service-only format, at least to start. I don't really want it to be a church...but rather a faith community. We need a generic statement of faith, but then not have to worry about the details. Perhaps I'm dreaming...but then faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen, right?

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." - John 14:1

That's not my problem.

Or maybe it is...

You know, it's easy to discern the voice of God when one has parameters--a box--to work within. In a circumstance like that, God only can work certain ways. If it's not inside the box, it's not God. That's simple.

But what if the box gets taken away? What if the will of God becomes as unlimited as he truly is? Then...then, how do we discern his will? For me, it stops being a matter of trust in him and more of a matter of trust in myself: my heart, my discernment, my ability to hear and comprehend, my ability to detect the direction of the wind of the Spirit.

Hmm...it's become all about me, it seems. But if I can't clearly hear God, how do I find his direction?

On the other hand, don't I trust God enough to believe that he will make himself clear to me? He uses asses and angels...

Just some food for thought...

Easter is coming...you need to read this:

Merry Easter? by Frederica Mathewes-Green

I have a dilemma.

I read the weblog of one of my pomo church "heroes" a couple of days ago, and it really troubled me. He spoke of a going-away party for one of the members of their community. That's not the bad thing. The thing that bothers me is this: they had a bar-b-que, chanted the evening psalms, and then all went out to a gay bar, danced, and drank like the best of them. He made the statement, "I know I'm in the right church when I can chant the evening Psalms then go dancing for several hours with my friends at a gay bar."

Now, before you all brand me as a narrow-minded bigot, let me explain some things:
- I have no problem with dancing,
- I have no problem with having a drink,
- I don't even have a problem with going to a gay bar.
What I'm having trouble swallowing is all of these in conjunction--and asking the question: "What makes us different?" I mean, if we go out and tear it up with the best of them, what distinguishes us from the world?

I suppose the answer would be, "Our love." And I know this guy is loving.

Understand, I'm not questioning the morals, ethics, or character of this man. I'm just questioning--wondering why. He never mentions getting drunk, so as far as I know, he never sinned--technically. I also don't think that those who follow Christ should be fuddy-dudds. What I'm wondering is exactly what Paul meant in 2 Corinthians 6:14-17 when he said:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people."
"Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty."

What defines clean or unclean? Apart from blatant sin, is it the mind of the person perceiving? Is my mind unclean because I question?

Loaded question, for sure.

AAAARGH! LIFE IS FRUSTRATING! (Do I hear an "amen"?) If I could add about 16 hours to each day, I think I would do well. Between frustrations with kids, adapting to my "new" life, and frustration over our lack of movement on The Gateway, I'm about ready to explode. And add to this that my sister had her baby last night, so today I have our two youngest and her youngest--a toddler who's never been away from mommy. Yay. Thankfully, our two have been angels so far today.

We've begin talking publicly about the community now--and people are getting excited. Next week, I present it to the Ministerial association, hopefully avoiding being branded as a cult by the church community. This is different...some will like it, others will have to just resign us to all of the take-the-box-away thinking and not worry about it. I just know the church's penchant for friendly fire, so I'd like to keep our colors in plain view. After all, we're not about veiling the Gospel here--just pouring it into a new container (as Len Sweet would say).

So where do we go from here? Ideas? Email me...

It's been awhile since I've posted here...got to get back into the habit, especially now. So much has happened since I last published an update.

We're in the midst of formulating how this faith community is going to look--how it's going to work. Last night, we defined our team a bit, as well as our mission and purpose. My heart is to be sure we're all God is calling us to be, but not leave anyone behind. That's key...that we not leave anyone behind. People may choose not to be involved, but it must not be because we've left them in the dust. It must be their choice. For me, this will be a learned discipline, because I've occasionally had the tendency to trample people with my mission. But this must not happen here. It cannot.

I'm doing this the morning after, for what it's worth. I should be working on continuing ed. stuff, but this is good therapy, I think.

We went to The Crossing last night. It was a good experience...very relaxed and somewhat relational. I didn't feel especially well-connected, but part of that could have to do with the fact that it was obvious I wasn't from Sioux Falls. Still, it was more relevant to me than anything else I experienced yesterday, at least considering churches.

I had a hard time yesterday in service at First Assembly. I guess it's just not my speed anymore...I certainly felt out-of-place. I never thoght I'd feel that way here (writing this at the office). I guess when it's time to go, it's time to go. The decision for me to move on came rather abruptly and unexpectedly...e.g., I didn't make it, really. I shared my heart and got told that it was time to pursue my vision. But you know, in the long run, this is probably the best thing. My ability to really do my job has suffered horribly from a lack of focus. I guess I'm just not called to youth pastor anymore...at least for right now. And so, my out-of-place feeling could have a lot to do with a breaking occuring.

But that brings me to yesterday (Sunday). After church, I was able to put the displacement stuff out of my mind until after service at The Crossing. After that, it all came crashing down. If you'd asked me last night, I think I would have said, "I'm out of here." I sat with the leadership team at Culver's, and just felt like I was on the outside looking in for about half the time. The rest of the time, I chose to be on the outside. And then we went on and discussed the fact that I really haven't even gotten a pat on the back and a "thank you for 5 1/2 years of service" from more than a few people (I can count them on less than one hand). Needless to say, this didn't help my discouragement. I don't need to justify how I'm feeling; I need to move on.

I think the biggest thing I'm trying to deal with is the fact that I'm not so sure I can do this thing. They've put me on the team as the resident evangelist. It is, in-part, my vision that is driving this thing (along with Andrew and Rod)--yet, I'm not so sure I can do it. I've said it repeatedly: everyone else has more confidence in me than I do. I guess I've just been burned too many times--gotten my hopes up only to be let down. My dilemma is quite paradoxical: I'm afraid that I might not be on the same page with others on the team and that my input will be overlooked (but that's my pride talking, I guess). On the other hand, I'm afraid my vision for this thing is too "far out there" to be realized. But then, that's probably what would make it a God thing. At least according to what I've been teaching for the last 4 years or so, it would be.

"The most helpful experiments are accomplished by people who are too naive to know that they are getting into. The wise and experienced know too much to ever accomplish the impossible." --Gordon Cosby, Church of the Saviour in Washington, D.C.

This has become my motto for life, lately.

I'm tired. I'd just like to walk away for awhile and take a break. Trouble is, I'm afraid that if I do, I won't ever come back. And for me, the mission is too pressing--there are too many lost people.

Lord, send revival. Start with me.

OK, better day today. Discouragement only nibbled for part of the evening...it didn't eat me alive. Actually, I'm getting really excited about certain elements of this church! Postmodernity is wierd, in that the same things that scare the crap out of you also excite you intensely. So I'm thinking of water...Len Sweet talks about orienting on the North Star--Jesus Christ--in AquaChurch. Sounds like a good plan to me...we anchor to Jesus Christ and trust the Spirit to lead us into the absolute unknown. Right. Like Voyage of the Dawn Treader sans Reepicheep.

Actually, I'm thinking of the cover of the Kansas album, "Point of Know Return."

I struggle here a bit, because I really want something fluid and different. I don't want to see this become a hoky home group--an "anti-church" church. That's not what I'm about. God has called me to the church--to help reawaken it, to revolutionize it. I guess that sounds presumptuous, but I just so yearn for a reawakening of authentic Biblical faith. The really frightening element of this is that I think authentic Biblical faith could look very different than anything any of us has ever seen before...and certainly different than the standard by which we measure our faith today.

Tomorrow evening we visit The Crossing in Sioux Falls.

Great article here about The Landing Place in Cincinattio, OH. It's not a house church. And it's not Gen-X, okay?

Click to read it @ The Ooze.

Scared spitless.

People ask me how I'm doing nowadays...and that's the best answer I can give them. Scared spitless. Let's go down the list...I'm getting married in 7 days. I'm jobless 2 days before that. I'm starting a faith venture without a clue where in the world I'm going--except that I'm trying to be relevant...whatever that is. Oh yes, and I'm going to be a daddy 3-times over in a week, too. Scared spitless.

Today was spent in Sioux Falls at the mall, trudging through continuing ed. stuff for my credentials while my dear fiancee went "wedding night" shopping. I really battled with discouragement as I studied the Assembly of God's bylaws, learning more about their position on cross-denominationalism. Basically, not. Don't go there. It can create "confusion and division." Oh, that's not what they say exactly, but that's implied. So, I'm a little worried about this process of starting a new church--not only is it something radically different than anything done around here before, but it's cross-denominationally planted, and non-denominational in scope. In other words, I'll be really lucky if I get to keep my credentials, much less get any endorsement for the work from my denomination. But my district superintendent is a forward-thinker, and I'm holding on to that. The A/G is changing...much like a slow-moving dinosaur, but it's happening. I pray that I can be a part of that process.

Another thing that hit me as I studied today was the topic of worldliness. Would somebody please define that for me? I'm really curious as to what, exactly, "worldliness" means. To some, I would probably seem worldly. Heck, to many, what we're doing here would seem worldly--especially since I'm not a "shove-it-down-your-throat-until-you-get-saved" kind of evangelist. A modernist evangelist friend of mine would say I've compromised horribly.

I'd like to think I'm living Jesus-style.

Remember, we're not so worried about the appearance of evil--that's not really what the Bible says. We're worried about the reality of it. Or the intention of it. I know I'm not guilty of at least one of those. You pick.

Maybe it's both. We can only hope.