Just a quick post this evening. As part of my renewed commitment to blogging seriously, I've moved my personal weblog back to Blogger. Why? Becuase it's just NICE. That, and I'll be focusing the Squarespace site on open source software for Windows. I'm learning more and more that an all-inclusive blog only works for a few people. The rest of us need FOCUS.
Of course, focus is something I've never quite been good at, you know. :)
Pax.
5/16/2005
Birth Control
So, I've been thinking about birth control, or rather the morality thererof.
It's an interesting topic. But let's get something straight out front. There's no question about birth control outside of marriage. It's wrong. Why? Because you shouldn't need it. Intercourse outside of the bounds of marriage is wrong--the Bible calls it fornication.
But what about the use of birth control inside of a committed marriage relationship? From what I can figure, there are two schools of thought.
The first is the conservative crowd. In their view, the products of intercourse are the potential for life. To do anything to prevent those products from creating life is to play God. For them, it is something akin to abortion--it's just as bad as aborting a new embryo. Advocates of this position would site the example of Onan in Genesis 38:8-10, who practiced the most basic form of birth control and was slain by the Lord as a result. However, it's important to note context. At that time in history, the people of Israel had been ordered to reproduce in order to create a mighty nation of the Lord's people. The problem with Onan's actions was that they were a violation of a command from the Lord more than a practice of birth control. That having been said, the previous points could still be valid.
Here's the other side--the somewhat more liberal (but still possible conservative) advocates of birth control. The idea is this: it is better to prevent it than to bring a child into the world who is unwanted. Unwanted children get neglected and abused. And then there's the situation where parents just simply can't afford any more children. In this case, then they become a burden on the welfare system...which then becomes a burden on everyone else. Both of these are moral issues.
Oh, but then there's another angle...the idea that birth control causes people to abdicate their responsibility, even married people.
I'm not sure what to think. What are your thoughts?
It's an interesting topic. But let's get something straight out front. There's no question about birth control outside of marriage. It's wrong. Why? Because you shouldn't need it. Intercourse outside of the bounds of marriage is wrong--the Bible calls it fornication.
But what about the use of birth control inside of a committed marriage relationship? From what I can figure, there are two schools of thought.
The first is the conservative crowd. In their view, the products of intercourse are the potential for life. To do anything to prevent those products from creating life is to play God. For them, it is something akin to abortion--it's just as bad as aborting a new embryo. Advocates of this position would site the example of Onan in Genesis 38:8-10, who practiced the most basic form of birth control and was slain by the Lord as a result. However, it's important to note context. At that time in history, the people of Israel had been ordered to reproduce in order to create a mighty nation of the Lord's people. The problem with Onan's actions was that they were a violation of a command from the Lord more than a practice of birth control. That having been said, the previous points could still be valid.
Here's the other side--the somewhat more liberal (but still possible conservative) advocates of birth control. The idea is this: it is better to prevent it than to bring a child into the world who is unwanted. Unwanted children get neglected and abused. And then there's the situation where parents just simply can't afford any more children. In this case, then they become a burden on the welfare system...which then becomes a burden on everyone else. Both of these are moral issues.
Oh, but then there's another angle...the idea that birth control causes people to abdicate their responsibility, even married people.
I'm not sure what to think. What are your thoughts?
4/07/2005
Johannes Paolo II, aka Karol Wojtyla
The pope died on Saturday. It might seem like that shouldn't matter to a protestant like me, but it does. Regardless of whether you're protestant or catholic, the Pope sets the spiritual temperature of Christendom. Perhaps it's time for that to change. But the reality of it is certainly still there, regardless of whether we like it.
In many ways, the church is at a turning point. Catholicism has still remained a bastian of controlled conservativism. That could all change if the "noisy" folks have their way. The rights of the unborn, and basically every cause of righteousness in the world will take a beating if a liberal pope is elected. The problem is this: the "noisy" folks lack balance. It seems like we just can't have people who embrace justice without simultaneously embracing ungodly agendas, placing human reasoning above God's. Johannes Paolo II was one of the few who could hold onto some semblance of that delicate balance.
On the other hand, Johannes Paolo II was also so bent on church polity that he sacrificed scripture, at times. We can (and should) let women and married men into the priesthood without embracing every Tom, Dick or Harry that comes along. We can bend on contraception without rejecting the "culture of life" (a term coined by John Paul II, *not* George W. Bush).
We need to pray for a man of courage, a man of balance. This papacy has been a difficult time--but Johannes Paolo II was a good man with good intentions. Let us pray that we have the same again--a good man with good intentions.
Furthermore, let us all be that: good men of good intentions. The Lord knows our hearts.
In many ways, the church is at a turning point. Catholicism has still remained a bastian of controlled conservativism. That could all change if the "noisy" folks have their way. The rights of the unborn, and basically every cause of righteousness in the world will take a beating if a liberal pope is elected. The problem is this: the "noisy" folks lack balance. It seems like we just can't have people who embrace justice without simultaneously embracing ungodly agendas, placing human reasoning above God's. Johannes Paolo II was one of the few who could hold onto some semblance of that delicate balance.
On the other hand, Johannes Paolo II was also so bent on church polity that he sacrificed scripture, at times. We can (and should) let women and married men into the priesthood without embracing every Tom, Dick or Harry that comes along. We can bend on contraception without rejecting the "culture of life" (a term coined by John Paul II, *not* George W. Bush).
We need to pray for a man of courage, a man of balance. This papacy has been a difficult time--but Johannes Paolo II was a good man with good intentions. Let us pray that we have the same again--a good man with good intentions.
Furthermore, let us all be that: good men of good intentions. The Lord knows our hearts.
3/22/2005
Terri Schiavo
If you've not seen www.terrisfight.org, you need to. Go to the multimedia page, and view the videos. If you can see those and still believe that she's a vegetable, then leave a comment and explain why.
I can't understand this culture of death USAmerica today. I guess it doesn't take a genius to speculate what Michael Schiavo's motive would be. I can't say for sure; this is only my opinion. Still, I can perhaps understand why he might want out. But why not divorce her and leave her care to her parents?
Life, while being one of the most precious things in God's sight, has completely lost its value to me in lieu of convenience.
Explain this to me, please. I can't see any sense in it, myself.
I can't understand this culture of death USAmerica today. I guess it doesn't take a genius to speculate what Michael Schiavo's motive would be. I can't say for sure; this is only my opinion. Still, I can perhaps understand why he might want out. But why not divorce her and leave her care to her parents?
Life, while being one of the most precious things in God's sight, has completely lost its value to me in lieu of convenience.
Explain this to me, please. I can't see any sense in it, myself.
3/15/2005
Living in Transition
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. *g*
Seriously, I'm still alive. One child plus, and still alive. We had our daughter, Noelle Elizabeth, on February 19th at about 7pm. We're thrilled...mom and baby are doing well.
Other than that, I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying, hopefully not in that order.
And I've discovered some things.
I've slipped a bit.
I've tried to hard to pursue this PoMo thing that I think I went a bit too far with it. I began to ask, "Why do I struggle with depression? Why do I want to leave the ministry, when it was once all I wanted to do?" And the answer I came up with is that I never really lost my first love--I just tried to turn it into something that it's not. And so, I decided that I'm sticking it out for awhile--until God clearly tells me that it's time to go. And you know, the relief I felt at that choice was like a thousand pounds being lifted off my shoulders.
This tells me that I made God's choice.
And I'm glad.
So, I'm back. I've been down the road and it's changed me...but I'm not leaving it. I came close, dragged my foot in the ditch a bit even, but stopped being stupid and got back into the car...and off we go!
Seriously, I'm still alive. One child plus, and still alive. We had our daughter, Noelle Elizabeth, on February 19th at about 7pm. We're thrilled...mom and baby are doing well.
Other than that, I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying, hopefully not in that order.
And I've discovered some things.
I've slipped a bit.
I've tried to hard to pursue this PoMo thing that I think I went a bit too far with it. I began to ask, "Why do I struggle with depression? Why do I want to leave the ministry, when it was once all I wanted to do?" And the answer I came up with is that I never really lost my first love--I just tried to turn it into something that it's not. And so, I decided that I'm sticking it out for awhile--until God clearly tells me that it's time to go. And you know, the relief I felt at that choice was like a thousand pounds being lifted off my shoulders.
This tells me that I made God's choice.
And I'm glad.
So, I'm back. I've been down the road and it's changed me...but I'm not leaving it. I came close, dragged my foot in the ditch a bit even, but stopped being stupid and got back into the car...and off we go!
1/24/2005
Spiritual Immaturity...and why it happens...and why people who "grow up" leave church as we know it...
There's a fantastic post over on Paul Fromont's blog about spiritual formation. "Spiritual wha...?" you ask. Spritual formation. You may not have heard of it. But the jist of it is that it's that thing that happens to move the average pew-sitter past the "Feed ME!" stage and into actually *living* a life of faith.
Yah...there's a difference. Just think about it. Our spiritual parenting skills in the western church suck.
Here's the link...go read it...then come back here and give me some feedback. (The link will open in a new window because I want you back here...)
http://prodigal.typepad.com/prodigal_kiwi/2005/01/spiritual_fathe.html
Along these lines, I thing I'm going to do something unconventional and post my message from yesterday here as well. It fits.
http://newhope.squarespace.com/current/are-we-playing-to-the-crowd.html
Again, come back and talk to me. :)
Yah...there's a difference. Just think about it. Our spiritual parenting skills in the western church suck.
Here's the link...go read it...then come back here and give me some feedback. (The link will open in a new window because I want you back here...)
http://prodigal.typepad.com/prodigal_kiwi/2005/01/spiritual_fathe.html
Along these lines, I thing I'm going to do something unconventional and post my message from yesterday here as well. It fits.
http://newhope.squarespace.com/current/are-we-playing-to-the-crowd.html
Again, come back and talk to me. :)
1/13/2005
Creech: closer than we think
"This quote from Thomas Merton raised a question a little while back. I thought maybe I'd try to expound on the concept a bit more. Here's the quote...
Read the rest here...
...sometimes when we have no feeling of peace or of God's presence He is more truly present to us than He has ever been before.This idea is very foreign to most of us, especially to those who are used to hearing and talking about the notion of 'feeling God's presence' or 'having peace' in some tangible way."
Read the rest here...
Rest.
"Rest is the ultimate humiliation because in order to rest, we must admit we are not necessary, that the world can get along without us, that God's work does not depend on us." - Mike Yaconelli
1/05/2005
Give me a break, Steve! Talk about genius marketing...
...at ThinkSecret's expense.
http://news.com.com/Apple+suit+foreshadows+coming+products/2100-1047_3-5513582.html?tag=st.prev
You know, at first I was going to comment on Steve Jobs' insecurity. It's well known that he has a pretty good ego, and that insecurity usually follows a pretty good ego...but then I got to thinking. This is genius! I mean, how many people have already changed their PC purchasing plans pending this new Mac? I know I'm sure thinking about it...Macs are phenomenal machines! And to be able to get one with OSX for around $500? Unheard of! I'll be eagerly watching the market to see what develops.
So, why sue? Well, it's a way of turning trials into gold, literally. Granted, leaked trade secrets can be a bad thing. On the other hand, if you leak just enough...then the anticipation will draw even more attention. I remember when things started leaking out of pa1mOne last year about the new PalmOS handhelds...there was a lot of anticipation. Unfortunately, this was followed by disappointment for many of us. I guess that could be the big downfall of this whole thing--that the product flops because the market got it's hopes up too high. Anyway...by sueing, a few things happen:
http://news.com.com/Apple+suit+foreshadows+coming+products/2100-1047_3-5513582.html?tag=st.prev
You know, at first I was going to comment on Steve Jobs' insecurity. It's well known that he has a pretty good ego, and that insecurity usually follows a pretty good ego...but then I got to thinking. This is genius! I mean, how many people have already changed their PC purchasing plans pending this new Mac? I know I'm sure thinking about it...Macs are phenomenal machines! And to be able to get one with OSX for around $500? Unheard of! I'll be eagerly watching the market to see what develops.
So, why sue? Well, it's a way of turning trials into gold, literally. Granted, leaked trade secrets can be a bad thing. On the other hand, if you leak just enough...then the anticipation will draw even more attention. I remember when things started leaking out of pa1mOne last year about the new PalmOS handhelds...there was a lot of anticipation. Unfortunately, this was followed by disappointment for many of us. I guess that could be the big downfall of this whole thing--that the product flops because the market got it's hopes up too high. Anyway...by sueing, a few things happen:
- Apple makes a move to protect it's valuable IP and trade secrets. This is important.
- Since the cat's already out of the bag, why not feed it a little more? The lawsuits confirm that these rumors are, at least in-part, correct. So...let's feed the anticipation a bit!
1/04/2005
It's SNOWING!
Winter is finally here! School just closed, and I'd be really surprised if there's school tomorrow! Here's the view out my window:
Update on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 at 11:56PM by Tory Larson
Just a follow-up...there wasn't school today. And I wouldn't be surprised if we start late tomorrow, too!
1/01/2005
Emergent, emerging...who are we anyway?
Happy New Year!
I've decided to keep on trucking with this blog. The site will primarily be a blog and link repository...and that's OK.
I'm no longer running Linux. I think it's ready for prime-time...but not for me. It's a great utility OS for people who aren't "into" keeping their computers on the cutting edge with a minimum of effort.
Maybe I just need to run as root. :)
Anyway....
I just finished reading this article on CT about the emerging church. Interesting perspective, albeit a bit skeptical. It raises some interesting questions...like who in the world are we, anyway?
Some days I'm not sure. I feel like a square peg in a round hole most of the time...trying to communicate an incarnational Gospel to people who seem to be about "What can Jesus do for me?" You know, it's not about that. I like McLaren't illustration of the circles (read the article)--with the individual as part of the church which is affecting the world. It's a beautiful picture...and certainly it's Jesus-style. I still long to hose the bulding and the whole bit and just live incarnationally for God in whatever way I can. Frankly, church isn't making that big of a difference in my family's life--it's "Daddy's job." And that's not right. So we need to figure out a way to be incarnational...to get it right.
But what is right? Ahh, yes...the next loaded question. The fundamental question: what IS the Gospel...and how should we best relate it to the world?
I've decided to keep on trucking with this blog. The site will primarily be a blog and link repository...and that's OK.
I'm no longer running Linux. I think it's ready for prime-time...but not for me. It's a great utility OS for people who aren't "into" keeping their computers on the cutting edge with a minimum of effort.
Maybe I just need to run as root. :)
Anyway....
I just finished reading this article on CT about the emerging church. Interesting perspective, albeit a bit skeptical. It raises some interesting questions...like who in the world are we, anyway?
Some days I'm not sure. I feel like a square peg in a round hole most of the time...trying to communicate an incarnational Gospel to people who seem to be about "What can Jesus do for me?" You know, it's not about that. I like McLaren't illustration of the circles (read the article)--with the individual as part of the church which is affecting the world. It's a beautiful picture...and certainly it's Jesus-style. I still long to hose the bulding and the whole bit and just live incarnationally for God in whatever way I can. Frankly, church isn't making that big of a difference in my family's life--it's "Daddy's job." And that's not right. So we need to figure out a way to be incarnational...to get it right.
But what is right? Ahh, yes...the next loaded question. The fundamental question: what IS the Gospel...and how should we best relate it to the world?
12/06/2004
Taking God for Granted?
Alan Creech from VBCC has a great post about taking God for granted. I think he may be on to something here...you know, how we tend to work and work to achieve things and to attain stature with God. We don't want to take salvation for granted. On the other hand, isn't that the point of salvation by grace?
Read all about it.
Read all about it.
10/23/2004
Just a word from our sponsor...
Hidey-ho. I'm just sitting here in front of my "new-to-me" Thinkpad T23 (nice machine), thinking that I should do a quick update. First off, I'm sorry I haven't kept this site moving. My bad. I'm still paying for it, so I've not given up yet. You never know what can happen. Second, the last month has been insane for me, shedule-wise, hence the silence. We made a flying trip to Pennsylvania on a family medical emergency (more on that trip later on), and I'm still in recovery.
But overally, life is pretty good. The depression seems to have subsided, although the questions about the future of my mission remain. I've started a small computer business, and it's going rather well. Folks like getting their PC's fixed. What can I say?
So, I'm good. And enjoying my "new" toy! ;)
But overally, life is pretty good. The depression seems to have subsided, although the questions about the future of my mission remain. I've started a small computer business, and it's going rather well. Folks like getting their PC's fixed. What can I say?
So, I'm good. And enjoying my "new" toy! ;)
9/28/2004
Pray the Lord of the Harvest
Matthew 9:35-38
So, what?
What does this mean to me? I must be an imparter of life...one who brings life and encouragement to others, rather than sucks it away. People must be able to trust me. My children must trust me. My wife must trust me. My congregation must trust me. My friends must trust me.
I must trust me.
What can I do to be an imparter of life?
Jesus traveled through all the cities and villages of that area, teaching in the synagogues and announcing the Good News about the Kingdom. And wherever he went, he healed people of every sort of disease and illness. He felt great pity for the crowds that came, because their problems were so great and they didn't know where to go for help. They were like sheep without a shepherd. He said to his disciples, "The harvest is so great, but the workers are so few. So pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest; ask him to send out more workers for his fields."What does it mean to be a laborer in the harvest field? Has the evangelical church misconstrued it to mean something that it does not? I truly wonder this...I mean, it's painfully apparent to me that the "conversion" mode of salvation wasn't an option at this time. Instead, it was a kind of revelation...a kind of opening-up to the reality of God. It was a jettisoning of the old and dead and embracing new life, hope, and dreams. It was deliverance from dead religion and dead reality and an entrance into life.
So, what?
What does this mean to me? I must be an imparter of life...one who brings life and encouragement to others, rather than sucks it away. People must be able to trust me. My children must trust me. My wife must trust me. My congregation must trust me. My friends must trust me.
I must trust me.
What can I do to be an imparter of life?
9/22/2004
Tools of the Trade
"Jesus now called the Twelve and gave them authority and power to deal with all the demons and cure diseases. He commissioned them to preach the news of God's kingdom and heal the sick. He said, "Don't load yourselves up with equipment. Keep it simple; you are the equipment." (Luke 9:1-4a, The Message)
Wow. That really resonates with me today. In ministry, so often we hide behind stuff and circumstances. For me, it seems more and more that a building and "stuff" may be nothing more than a hinderance to the Gospel--depending on the context. The problem comes when we get so focused on our stuff, using it and maintaining it, that we forget to "keep it simple." Ultimately, it's not my building or my "stuff" that Jesus wants to use to touch somebody. It's me. I am the equipment.
Wow. That really resonates with me today. In ministry, so often we hide behind stuff and circumstances. For me, it seems more and more that a building and "stuff" may be nothing more than a hinderance to the Gospel--depending on the context. The problem comes when we get so focused on our stuff, using it and maintaining it, that we forget to "keep it simple." Ultimately, it's not my building or my "stuff" that Jesus wants to use to touch somebody. It's me. I am the equipment.
9/21/2004
What are you reading?
When is the last time you read something that really challenged you? I mean, seriously challenged you?
We tend to read things that resonate with us, don't we? We tend to appreciate input that backs up our own point of view. But when was the last time you read something--by choice--that wasn't like that? When was the last time you took in something that left you feeling sick in the pit of your stomach...because it disagreed with you...and you realized it was probably right?
Just food for thought. Get challenged. You may want to start here.
We tend to read things that resonate with us, don't we? We tend to appreciate input that backs up our own point of view. But when was the last time you read something--by choice--that wasn't like that? When was the last time you took in something that left you feeling sick in the pit of your stomach...because it disagreed with you...and you realized it was probably right?
Just food for thought. Get challenged. You may want to start here.
See them as they are...
I meant to make this entry last night. But I got distracted. Pehaps that's the story of my life...
My beautiful daughter was one of the crownbearers at our local homecoming last night. I have to tell you, she's gorgeous. I think she's one of the most beautiful little girls around...of course, I'm very unbiased.
But I realized something. Too often I get focused on my kids' behavior, and not who they are. My little girl has a personality that matches her beauty. She's very vibrant and outgoing. Along with that come the occasional hassles on the homefront. Too often, I feel, I allow her behavior to overshadow who she is.
A person is not defined by what they do. If they were, I'd have been in a lot of trouble over the years, because I've done some pretty dumb stuff.
And so, I must remember to see her--and my other kids--and people in general as they are, not as what they're doing. I think that's what Jesus did. When he saw the woman caught in adultery, or the woman at the well, or even wee-little Zaccheus, he saw who they were, not what they did.
God would that I do the same.
My beautiful daughter was one of the crownbearers at our local homecoming last night. I have to tell you, she's gorgeous. I think she's one of the most beautiful little girls around...of course, I'm very unbiased.
But I realized something. Too often I get focused on my kids' behavior, and not who they are. My little girl has a personality that matches her beauty. She's very vibrant and outgoing. Along with that come the occasional hassles on the homefront. Too often, I feel, I allow her behavior to overshadow who she is.
A person is not defined by what they do. If they were, I'd have been in a lot of trouble over the years, because I've done some pretty dumb stuff.
And so, I must remember to see her--and my other kids--and people in general as they are, not as what they're doing. I think that's what Jesus did. When he saw the woman caught in adultery, or the woman at the well, or even wee-little Zaccheus, he saw who they were, not what they did.
God would that I do the same.
9/19/2004
Am I working too hard?
When I was 14 or so, I marched into my youth pastor's office and told him, "God has called me to be a pastor!"
He replied, "Really? That's good. But you've gotta go with your gifts." He knew I was a computer geek.
There was a comment posted for my "Mission Drift" entry (except it ended up under "People are jerks"--both before I migrated back to blogger) where I had the following thought posed to me:
I used to enjoy ministry...a lot. More times than I can count, I said, "I can't believe I'm getting paid for this! Life is great." Then, something happened. I'm not sure if it was simply a focus shift within our church, or if it also had to do with a focus shift within me, but something changed. What's frustrating is that I can't even put my finger on it. I'd like to, but I can't. Because I couldn't put my finger on it, there's even a chance that I overstayed my welcome at my last church. I'm just not sure. But what was once my life's greatest passion became my greatest source of pain. Now, I can't say that it is my greatest source of pain nowadays, but sometimes it is a great source of frustration. I've often asked myself the question that was posed to me above...about whether I'm trying to shoehorn myself into something that's not me. But I have to tell you that "seek God" is a pretty trite suggestion, even though it's all I've got.
Perhaps that's part of the problem. For western evangelicals, so much of faith is conceptual. We lack in the "actual" component. The thing is, the "actual" is what God has led me toward over the last couple of years. I spent too many years giving people the conceptual instead of helping them to find the "actual" for themselves. And I watched most of those people fail...miserably. This, in turn, made me feel like a failure as I had taken their spiritual development to be my responsibility.
It's not.
It never was.
Each person is to work out their own salvation. Should they get help? Yes. Absolutely. Can I be there to help? Yes. I should. So should you. But it's not my job to make sure that somebody else lives according to my "divinely inspired" western evangelical values, especially when I'm seeing more and more that my "divinely inspired" western evangelical values are pretty messed-up and non-biblical.
And there's the other side of the problem. I'm tired of the church machine, the organization, the big "spiritual beast." My heart is to simply be with people...to help lead them closer to God...to shepherd them, if you will. But I end up being so bogged down with "pastoral" stuff that I don't get the time I need to do the "pastoring" without making my family pay the price. And that's something I just won't do--make my family pay the price. They are my first responsibilty, right after my personal relationship with God.
But I'm not looking for a way out. And I'm certainly not released from my church--I just don't feel that it's time to go. I'll say this: I'm keeping myself more tuned in to know when it's time to go this time.
I told my District Superintendent recently that I probably would not be pursuing vocational pastoring after my time here is through. I'm rather looking forward to that time. Maybe then I can get on with helping people, and not worry about the "stuff."
He replied, "Really? That's good. But you've gotta go with your gifts." He knew I was a computer geek.
There was a comment posted for my "Mission Drift" entry (except it ended up under "People are jerks"--both before I migrated back to blogger) where I had the following thought posed to me:
If you feel that you have to work hard at what you do could be a sign that this particular shoe isn't for you to fit yourself in. A more useful tip is to consult with God about this, he can guide you in the direction you seek.It's a really good point. I've often said that myself...to others. I feel like I need to give some history. Why? Because I feel an overwhelming need to spill my guts all over the computer screen. No, not really. But I think that I could give some insight into the struggle I'm having now. Maybe I can help someone else. Maybe someone else can help me.
I used to enjoy ministry...a lot. More times than I can count, I said, "I can't believe I'm getting paid for this! Life is great." Then, something happened. I'm not sure if it was simply a focus shift within our church, or if it also had to do with a focus shift within me, but something changed. What's frustrating is that I can't even put my finger on it. I'd like to, but I can't. Because I couldn't put my finger on it, there's even a chance that I overstayed my welcome at my last church. I'm just not sure. But what was once my life's greatest passion became my greatest source of pain. Now, I can't say that it is my greatest source of pain nowadays, but sometimes it is a great source of frustration. I've often asked myself the question that was posed to me above...about whether I'm trying to shoehorn myself into something that's not me. But I have to tell you that "seek God" is a pretty trite suggestion, even though it's all I've got.
Perhaps that's part of the problem. For western evangelicals, so much of faith is conceptual. We lack in the "actual" component. The thing is, the "actual" is what God has led me toward over the last couple of years. I spent too many years giving people the conceptual instead of helping them to find the "actual" for themselves. And I watched most of those people fail...miserably. This, in turn, made me feel like a failure as I had taken their spiritual development to be my responsibility.
It's not.
It never was.
Each person is to work out their own salvation. Should they get help? Yes. Absolutely. Can I be there to help? Yes. I should. So should you. But it's not my job to make sure that somebody else lives according to my "divinely inspired" western evangelical values, especially when I'm seeing more and more that my "divinely inspired" western evangelical values are pretty messed-up and non-biblical.
And there's the other side of the problem. I'm tired of the church machine, the organization, the big "spiritual beast." My heart is to simply be with people...to help lead them closer to God...to shepherd them, if you will. But I end up being so bogged down with "pastoral" stuff that I don't get the time I need to do the "pastoring" without making my family pay the price. And that's something I just won't do--make my family pay the price. They are my first responsibilty, right after my personal relationship with God.
But I'm not looking for a way out. And I'm certainly not released from my church--I just don't feel that it's time to go. I'll say this: I'm keeping myself more tuned in to know when it's time to go this time.
I told my District Superintendent recently that I probably would not be pursuing vocational pastoring after my time here is through. I'm rather looking forward to that time. Maybe then I can get on with helping people, and not worry about the "stuff."
9/18/2004
Joy in the Journey
You know, I think there is hope.
My thanks go out to Geoff Elliott and Eric Mack for their compassion and concern for me. These are great guys. Geoff's blog isn't much unless you're a geek (like me), but Eric's blog is a great all-purpose read. He's kind of like me, except more...gathered. ;)
Speaking of being a geek, I'm sitting here trying to convert b0se's Codename: Opus 3.0 visual style to a WindowBlinds theme. Not gonna do it. I don't know what the deal is, but it's not going to work. I've tried it on two PCs now, and it just gets all buggy and wierd. Hopefully either he or Snidely Whiplash will get around to converting it eventually. I don't have time to troubleshoot stuff like this...although it's a great theme. If you're into msstyles (e.g. a patched Uxtheme.dll), then I'd recommend it highly.
Anyway, this has absolutely no relevance to my stated title. But the good news is that I'm not whining. Yes, it's true. I'm actually not depressed. Really, I haven't been for a couple of weeks now. I knew I needed to get this blog updated when both Geoff and Eric contacted me to encourage me. They're good guys. It's good to know people care.
I'm not sure exactly what brought the change about. When Geoff and I were talking on IRC, he brought up the idea of learning to be happy in the wilderness. I think that's probably been a big part of it for me...just learning to be content. One of my biggest frustrations comes from my desire to mold my children into good people. But it occurred to me that my efforts to mold them (at least by being a disciplinarian) will only cause the opposite. People need to be who they are, even when they're kids. I always resented it when I felt like my mother did that to me, and I'm sure they'll grow to resent me as well if I continue. So, I "chilled out." It made all the difference in the world. That's not to say that all the questions are answered or that I don't still have bad days--but things are really getting better. And I'm grateful, both to God and man for their intervention.
Another great thing that's helped immensely is being able to get my computer consulting business off the ground. I've been able to do about $200 worth of business in the last two weeks, which is a really good start for Smalltown USA. It feels good to be able to pay the bills, you know?
I think the other thing that really made the difference has been a renewed focus on journaling and prayer...concurrently. I'm not one of those who does well verbally "talking to God" for long periods of time. But if I get behind a computer keyboard, everything changes. If you're the kind who has trouble praying, I'd recommend it highly. I usually start at Sacred Space and use it as my guide through a time of Lectio Divina.
Anyway...I'm finding some joy in the journey. Where am I at with being a pastor? Fine for now. Where will I be long-term, like years down the road? I don't know. Only God knows. He only gives me enough light for my feet. If He gave me more, I'd run away, I know it.
Gratia vobis et pax.
My thanks go out to Geoff Elliott and Eric Mack for their compassion and concern for me. These are great guys. Geoff's blog isn't much unless you're a geek (like me), but Eric's blog is a great all-purpose read. He's kind of like me, except more...gathered. ;)
Speaking of being a geek, I'm sitting here trying to convert b0se's Codename: Opus 3.0 visual style to a WindowBlinds theme. Not gonna do it. I don't know what the deal is, but it's not going to work. I've tried it on two PCs now, and it just gets all buggy and wierd. Hopefully either he or Snidely Whiplash will get around to converting it eventually. I don't have time to troubleshoot stuff like this...although it's a great theme. If you're into msstyles (e.g. a patched Uxtheme.dll), then I'd recommend it highly.Anyway, this has absolutely no relevance to my stated title. But the good news is that I'm not whining. Yes, it's true. I'm actually not depressed. Really, I haven't been for a couple of weeks now. I knew I needed to get this blog updated when both Geoff and Eric contacted me to encourage me. They're good guys. It's good to know people care.
I'm not sure exactly what brought the change about. When Geoff and I were talking on IRC, he brought up the idea of learning to be happy in the wilderness. I think that's probably been a big part of it for me...just learning to be content. One of my biggest frustrations comes from my desire to mold my children into good people. But it occurred to me that my efforts to mold them (at least by being a disciplinarian) will only cause the opposite. People need to be who they are, even when they're kids. I always resented it when I felt like my mother did that to me, and I'm sure they'll grow to resent me as well if I continue. So, I "chilled out." It made all the difference in the world. That's not to say that all the questions are answered or that I don't still have bad days--but things are really getting better. And I'm grateful, both to God and man for their intervention.
Another great thing that's helped immensely is being able to get my computer consulting business off the ground. I've been able to do about $200 worth of business in the last two weeks, which is a really good start for Smalltown USA. It feels good to be able to pay the bills, you know?
I think the other thing that really made the difference has been a renewed focus on journaling and prayer...concurrently. I'm not one of those who does well verbally "talking to God" for long periods of time. But if I get behind a computer keyboard, everything changes. If you're the kind who has trouble praying, I'd recommend it highly. I usually start at Sacred Space and use it as my guide through a time of Lectio Divina.
Anyway...I'm finding some joy in the journey. Where am I at with being a pastor? Fine for now. Where will I be long-term, like years down the road? I don't know. Only God knows. He only gives me enough light for my feet. If He gave me more, I'd run away, I know it.
Gratia vobis et pax.
8/17/2004
Mission Drift
I want to quit. No, I mean it. I really rather suck at life right now.
I guess it must've started a year or so ago...oh, maybe even 2 years ago. I began to experience mission drift.
I must explain something...I'm as passionate about the Gospel as ever. Perhaps not so passionate about traditional evangelism...but certainly about the Gospel. I have a heart desire to impact my world with the peace and good will of Jesus Christ. That's what I want to do.
Right now I'm a pastor. I'm frustrated with pastoring, though. I love our church. I love our people--they're great. But the expectations of a traditional church/pastor setup tend to neuter the Gospel, in my opinion. The people at our church are generous givers. I wonder how much more effective their finances would be for the Gospel if they didn't have to pay for a broken-down building and an breaking-down pastor? I wonder how much more effective I would be if I didn't feel pressure to perform as a pastor...a professional...and instead could just focus on loving people. Now, I understand that my people don't expect me to do any more than that (apart from a sermon), really. But I feel a pressure to perform. I need a regular job. I need to feel like I've earned my money. So, the pressure to perform is probably more about me than anyone else. And there's pressure to perform in family as well. I want to do it all right...and I seem to end up failing at most of it.
My interests are in computers and the Gospel (duh), not traditional ministry and church polity. So I'm experiencing mission-drift.
It may be just for today.
Maybe not.
I think I
need
rest.
I guess it must've started a year or so ago...oh, maybe even 2 years ago. I began to experience mission drift.
I must explain something...I'm as passionate about the Gospel as ever. Perhaps not so passionate about traditional evangelism...but certainly about the Gospel. I have a heart desire to impact my world with the peace and good will of Jesus Christ. That's what I want to do.
Right now I'm a pastor. I'm frustrated with pastoring, though. I love our church. I love our people--they're great. But the expectations of a traditional church/pastor setup tend to neuter the Gospel, in my opinion. The people at our church are generous givers. I wonder how much more effective their finances would be for the Gospel if they didn't have to pay for a broken-down building and an breaking-down pastor? I wonder how much more effective I would be if I didn't feel pressure to perform as a pastor...a professional...and instead could just focus on loving people. Now, I understand that my people don't expect me to do any more than that (apart from a sermon), really. But I feel a pressure to perform. I need a regular job. I need to feel like I've earned my money. So, the pressure to perform is probably more about me than anyone else. And there's pressure to perform in family as well. I want to do it all right...and I seem to end up failing at most of it.
My interests are in computers and the Gospel (duh), not traditional ministry and church polity. So I'm experiencing mission-drift.
It may be just for today.
Maybe not.
I think I
need
rest.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)