A postmodern journey of faith...


It's been awhile. I'll catch up later when I have more time. Hopefully I can make a hole in my life by which I can keep this updated now.

There are very few people
who realise what God would make of them
if they abandoned themselves into his hands,
and let themselves be formed by his grace. (St Ignatius)

What would God have me to be, if not for my will? I wonder what would become of me...how my life would be different. The concept is, admittedly, frightening for me. I realize that as long as I'm in control I tend to break things. But yet, I still find some security in being in control. Sometimes I wonder if it doesn't come from my over-developed sense of personal responsibility. I don't want to blame God, even if it is his responsibility--and a responsibility that he willingly took, at that.

I am an oxymoron.

Isaiah 41:17-18 (RSV)
When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst, I the LORD will answer them, I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
I will open rivers on the bare heights, and fountains in the midst of the valleys; I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water.

I think there's some hope here for me. There are so many days that I feel parched, spiritually and emotionally. The heavens are brass, and my prayers injure me as they seem to rebound and hit me in the head. Yet, God promises that he will not forsake me or leave me alone--that he'll never let me down. The catch: my end of the deal is that I must seek water.

And therein lies the problem.

I don't know about you, but when I'm parched and needy, my inclination is more toward giving up rather than seeking water...or anything else. When the heavens seem like brass, to me, there's no point in praying. Ah, but there's my human logic again in full-force. And what good is that? Probably not a whole lot, with my ant's-eye view and all.

Today, I will seek water.