I'm doing this the morning after, for what it's worth. I should be working on continuing ed. stuff, but this is good therapy, I think.

We went to The Crossing last night. It was a good experience...very relaxed and somewhat relational. I didn't feel especially well-connected, but part of that could have to do with the fact that it was obvious I wasn't from Sioux Falls. Still, it was more relevant to me than anything else I experienced yesterday, at least considering churches.

I had a hard time yesterday in service at First Assembly. I guess it's just not my speed anymore...I certainly felt out-of-place. I never thoght I'd feel that way here (writing this at the office). I guess when it's time to go, it's time to go. The decision for me to move on came rather abruptly and unexpectedly...e.g., I didn't make it, really. I shared my heart and got told that it was time to pursue my vision. But you know, in the long run, this is probably the best thing. My ability to really do my job has suffered horribly from a lack of focus. I guess I'm just not called to youth pastor anymore...at least for right now. And so, my out-of-place feeling could have a lot to do with a breaking occuring.

But that brings me to yesterday (Sunday). After church, I was able to put the displacement stuff out of my mind until after service at The Crossing. After that, it all came crashing down. If you'd asked me last night, I think I would have said, "I'm out of here." I sat with the leadership team at Culver's, and just felt like I was on the outside looking in for about half the time. The rest of the time, I chose to be on the outside. And then we went on and discussed the fact that I really haven't even gotten a pat on the back and a "thank you for 5 1/2 years of service" from more than a few people (I can count them on less than one hand). Needless to say, this didn't help my discouragement. I don't need to justify how I'm feeling; I need to move on.

I think the biggest thing I'm trying to deal with is the fact that I'm not so sure I can do this thing. They've put me on the team as the resident evangelist. It is, in-part, my vision that is driving this thing (along with Andrew and Rod)--yet, I'm not so sure I can do it. I've said it repeatedly: everyone else has more confidence in me than I do. I guess I've just been burned too many times--gotten my hopes up only to be let down. My dilemma is quite paradoxical: I'm afraid that I might not be on the same page with others on the team and that my input will be overlooked (but that's my pride talking, I guess). On the other hand, I'm afraid my vision for this thing is too "far out there" to be realized. But then, that's probably what would make it a God thing. At least according to what I've been teaching for the last 4 years or so, it would be.

"The most helpful experiments are accomplished by people who are too naive to know that they are getting into. The wise and experienced know too much to ever accomplish the impossible." --Gordon Cosby, Church of the Saviour in Washington, D.C.

This has become my motto for life, lately.

I'm tired. I'd just like to walk away for awhile and take a break. Trouble is, I'm afraid that if I do, I won't ever come back. And for me, the mission is too pressing--there are too many lost people.

Lord, send revival. Start with me.